Pondering

So...feeling like that commercial about depression...Cymbalta, I think it is. That is how I feel on the inside. Why do I not just curl into the fetal position and veg out? Because too many people rely on me...who do I rely on? Myself. Can I let them stop relying on me? No...I am too responsible for that.
Next thought, would my anxiety level go down if I just dropped my expectations of people? Let my kids sleep half the day away and never help out. Maybe...but it wouldn't help them grow into mature, responsible adults. Do I keep battling with them to do the slightest things...not sure. At least right now...not when I'm crumbling emotionally...the physical issues are bad enough...I can't become depressed.
Really need a break today, but have things needing to do/places to go/ Webelos to lead...today will not be a day for any real breaks.
Need a job...don't want a crappy job...think hubby should get a 2nd job...it is his toys, after all, that are what he refuses to give up.
Maybe I can get a break tomorrow...and a massage...gotta figure that one out. Have an idea for that one.
Just wanna quit life for a week or so...no reponsibilities...no one relying on me...no schedules or appointments...best of all would be no pain...I could deal with everything else if I could just have that...or at least have people realize that it is real and that I do put on an amazing front. Very few people can really, truly understand what I am going through. 24/7...it never goes away...yes, life goes on and I deal with it best I can, but it isn't easy. I keep praying for at least some major improvement...hopefully one day...

"Like it normally is..."

Ethan absolutely will not allow his hair to be combed any different than his "usual" way. He throws a fit if I comb it into a mohawk or off to the side or anything else. And, his hair is so baby fine that when it is wet you can see his scalp...that makes him the maddest. "Cover up my bald spots!" he demands, "and don't leave any cracks!"