The neurologist switched my med., as I wanted him to do. Also said to try Magnesium for the ringing in my ears. I go back just before Thanksgiving and will see the sleep therapist then too. I rely on Ambien for a decent nights sleep and would like to look for other options etc. Also, I have now had 2 dreams where I couldn't breathe and woke up suddenly, so am questioning if maybe there's some apnea going on. And hubby isn't much help there cuz he's a deep sleeper.
I'm hoping to try acupunture soon, too.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Hindsight
As teenagers we think we know it all, a decade later we realize we were nowhere close. We grow, we mature, we know so much, but another decade goes by and we realize that we didn't know anywhere near what we thought we did.
I have dealt with alot in my lifetime thus far. Growing up suffering from selective mutism (glad it now has a name) was extremely difficult. And then, straight out of High School, I took a nanny job in Boston for a family with 6 kids. Not too bad, right? I'm used to big families. Well, they were also Orthodox Jews. That experience was difficult, but one I am glad I went through. As are many of my other experiences. I learned, I matured, I gained self-confidence. If I hadn't put myself out there I would have gone through life not having these experiences to help mold me and teach me wisdom. From dating, to in-laws who treated me horribly, to financial problems, child-rearing, working a job that I hated and working harder than anyone else. And missing my kids in the meantime. Being kicked out...twice...felt horrible, but forced us to be on our own...the only way I ever want to be. The first time was easier to accept, but harder to go through. It meant moving to Utah while hubby stayed working in California until something better came along. And it did. We moved back, loved it, but it only lasted a year. Back to Utah with the help of my wonderful, unselfish mom. The plan was to get into our own home soon, but then John got laid off...3 times. This is where I started working. Things were looking up, until we got kicked out because another family member was going to "rescue" mom financially...something we could have done ourselves. But, we gave in...loving being in our own place now. I just wish the other party had held up their end of the bargain. I wish my mom could just say no...even for little things. She's worked her butt off to raise us and gets little thanks for it. She will never see the thousands of dollars my brothers have conned her out of. I wonder if they feel any guilt at all. Just say 'no'! We're all adults, time to be mature and responsible. Think of others. Uphold agreements. Don't take advantage of those to weak to stick up for themselves.
I wish I could share my maturity and wisdom with not only people younger than me, but some who are older, too. I'd love to change things about a few people, but that won't happen. I can only pray that they will step up and fulfill their promised arrangements. We could buy my moms house, but, luckily for the current renters,we aren't interested. Only problem is that they don't seem to be either.
I pray that those who need guidance, wisdom and maturity will recognize that and try to improve their lives and the lives of those around them.
I lived through alot of crap in my life, from my suicidal teens, to my dating experiences, nanny jobs, low self-esteem,etc. And then marriage, brothers-in-law who were horrible to me, having 3 kids in under 3 years. To have almost lost a child...twice. Meeting people, teaching primary, being a visiting teacher, etc. all helped me to grow.
Things I do now--start conversations, lead actual conversations, not just needing to be asked something I could nod or shake my head to. I still don't like speaking in front of groups, but can read a scripture or quote when called upon. And then there's my critique groups...no way would I have done that 20 years ago, or even 10. It was scary at first, but now I love it and get to share advice and gain advice. Iwish we met more often and could get through my book faster.
Even now, I've grown so much, but where will I be in another 10 or 20 years? Trials will be there, for sure. I need to advance with a plan in mind. I want to get through these trials as best I can. Unfortunately, some trials involve more than just me. Others need to step up, take responsibility and change. As for me, I'm ready for some changes. I'm struggling with forgiveness because of how a situation was handled, and am further infuriated at how it was NOT handled as promised. I wish I could share some of my experiences with others who need that kind of growth themselves. But, trying to share wisdom with someone who "knows it all" helps no one. They have to live through trials and experiences to gain that growth and wisdom themselves.
I have dealt with alot in my lifetime thus far. Growing up suffering from selective mutism (glad it now has a name) was extremely difficult. And then, straight out of High School, I took a nanny job in Boston for a family with 6 kids. Not too bad, right? I'm used to big families. Well, they were also Orthodox Jews. That experience was difficult, but one I am glad I went through. As are many of my other experiences. I learned, I matured, I gained self-confidence. If I hadn't put myself out there I would have gone through life not having these experiences to help mold me and teach me wisdom. From dating, to in-laws who treated me horribly, to financial problems, child-rearing, working a job that I hated and working harder than anyone else. And missing my kids in the meantime. Being kicked out...twice...felt horrible, but forced us to be on our own...the only way I ever want to be. The first time was easier to accept, but harder to go through. It meant moving to Utah while hubby stayed working in California until something better came along. And it did. We moved back, loved it, but it only lasted a year. Back to Utah with the help of my wonderful, unselfish mom. The plan was to get into our own home soon, but then John got laid off...3 times. This is where I started working. Things were looking up, until we got kicked out because another family member was going to "rescue" mom financially...something we could have done ourselves. But, we gave in...loving being in our own place now. I just wish the other party had held up their end of the bargain. I wish my mom could just say no...even for little things. She's worked her butt off to raise us and gets little thanks for it. She will never see the thousands of dollars my brothers have conned her out of. I wonder if they feel any guilt at all. Just say 'no'! We're all adults, time to be mature and responsible. Think of others. Uphold agreements. Don't take advantage of those to weak to stick up for themselves.
I wish I could share my maturity and wisdom with not only people younger than me, but some who are older, too. I'd love to change things about a few people, but that won't happen. I can only pray that they will step up and fulfill their promised arrangements. We could buy my moms house, but, luckily for the current renters,we aren't interested. Only problem is that they don't seem to be either.
I pray that those who need guidance, wisdom and maturity will recognize that and try to improve their lives and the lives of those around them.
I lived through alot of crap in my life, from my suicidal teens, to my dating experiences, nanny jobs, low self-esteem,etc. And then marriage, brothers-in-law who were horrible to me, having 3 kids in under 3 years. To have almost lost a child...twice. Meeting people, teaching primary, being a visiting teacher, etc. all helped me to grow.
Things I do now--start conversations, lead actual conversations, not just needing to be asked something I could nod or shake my head to. I still don't like speaking in front of groups, but can read a scripture or quote when called upon. And then there's my critique groups...no way would I have done that 20 years ago, or even 10. It was scary at first, but now I love it and get to share advice and gain advice. Iwish we met more often and could get through my book faster.
Even now, I've grown so much, but where will I be in another 10 or 20 years? Trials will be there, for sure. I need to advance with a plan in mind. I want to get through these trials as best I can. Unfortunately, some trials involve more than just me. Others need to step up, take responsibility and change. As for me, I'm ready for some changes. I'm struggling with forgiveness because of how a situation was handled, and am further infuriated at how it was NOT handled as promised. I wish I could share some of my experiences with others who need that kind of growth themselves. But, trying to share wisdom with someone who "knows it all" helps no one. They have to live through trials and experiences to gain that growth and wisdom themselves.
Hurting...
"You only hurt the ones you love." Hmm... or is it that only the ones who love you are the ones who feel the hurt? It hurts to see loved ones treating each other so cruelly. Crap happens, people make mistakes, people get hurt or offended. "Families are Forever". I wonder if those who feel no shame, or show no shame will regret their actions someday. I especially hate seeing others accuse people of something yet do it themselves. I've had issues with family members presently and in the past. Past issues have resolved and moved on. Forgiveness and maturity fall into place here. I was nearly suicidal as a teen, mostly due to a particular family member. But he and I get along great now.
I don't always agree with others actions, but everyone needs to live their own lives. Some just take longer to "grow up" than others.
If past actions hadn't occured I think some of us would be better off, some possibly worse off. But, what's done is done. Stay mad if you like. As for me, life goes on. My health sucks, finances suck. Might need to get an additional job--hoping not, because of the health issues. But, what needs to be done, needs to be done. Bills need to be paid, and no one else is gonna pay them. No one should have to. Our debt is our debt. Christmas might suck this year. Health stuff will be put off....if further tests do need to be done to get answers. Meds sure aren't working. I feel like crap, but I refuse to let it rule my life. People depend on me and I will be there. Wish I could be there even more sometimes, in some cases.
You know how when you look back on life and see how you've grown and matured...and you wish others, younger than you, could have that? But, they need to grow and mature on their own, at their own pace. Pointing out their immaturity, stupidity and/or mistakes will not change them. It takes time. I just hope that we all have that time and don't have regrets if someone were to die tomorrow. FAMILIES ARE FOREVER!!!! AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER!!! Like it or not!!!!!!!!
I don't always agree with others actions, but everyone needs to live their own lives. Some just take longer to "grow up" than others.
If past actions hadn't occured I think some of us would be better off, some possibly worse off. But, what's done is done. Stay mad if you like. As for me, life goes on. My health sucks, finances suck. Might need to get an additional job--hoping not, because of the health issues. But, what needs to be done, needs to be done. Bills need to be paid, and no one else is gonna pay them. No one should have to. Our debt is our debt. Christmas might suck this year. Health stuff will be put off....if further tests do need to be done to get answers. Meds sure aren't working. I feel like crap, but I refuse to let it rule my life. People depend on me and I will be there. Wish I could be there even more sometimes, in some cases.
You know how when you look back on life and see how you've grown and matured...and you wish others, younger than you, could have that? But, they need to grow and mature on their own, at their own pace. Pointing out their immaturity, stupidity and/or mistakes will not change them. It takes time. I just hope that we all have that time and don't have regrets if someone were to die tomorrow. FAMILIES ARE FOREVER!!!! AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER!!! Like it or not!!!!!!!!
Sunday, October 25, 2009
A day of rest...
After church today, I laid down in my bed to read. My eyes kept closing. I am tired alot these days, but never take naps. Hubby, on the other hand, naps most every Sunday.
I finished the book and closed my eyes, thinking maybe, for once, I could sleep for a bit. It's the only thing that helps the pain.
I was still awake when John got up and left to go home teaching. The kids were being loud and I was thinking I might as well give up and just forget my attempt at a nap.
Then I heard Ethan yelling. One of the girls (not hard to guess which one) was teasing him, making him scream and cry. I lifted my head from the pillow, calling for the offending child to come up to me. My head and body felt so heavy. I dragged myself off the bed and crawled across the floor, where I then rested my face on my hand. My daughter came in and I angrily yelled at her, my words slurred and sounded as if my ears were stuffed with cotton. As I ended my verbal tirade I drooled on my hand.
My daughter left and went to her room, because that is what I'd told her to do.
I wiped my mouth and pulled myself to a sitting position. I could hardly see or hear. My head felt swollen and heavy, my breathing forced.
I frantically began screaming, "Someone come here! Come help me!"
The daughter I'd just sent away returned.
My throat was swelling shut. "Help me . . ." My voice was down to a ragged whisper. "I can't--"
breathe. The word popped into my mind as I jolted awake. It had been so realistic.
So, I did get a very short nap. Awakened to noisy kids, but in less pain.
I wondered if I stopped breathing in my sleep, that my gasping for air woke me up. Or is it true that you don't ever die in your dreams?
I finished the book and closed my eyes, thinking maybe, for once, I could sleep for a bit. It's the only thing that helps the pain.
I was still awake when John got up and left to go home teaching. The kids were being loud and I was thinking I might as well give up and just forget my attempt at a nap.
Then I heard Ethan yelling. One of the girls (not hard to guess which one) was teasing him, making him scream and cry. I lifted my head from the pillow, calling for the offending child to come up to me. My head and body felt so heavy. I dragged myself off the bed and crawled across the floor, where I then rested my face on my hand. My daughter came in and I angrily yelled at her, my words slurred and sounded as if my ears were stuffed with cotton. As I ended my verbal tirade I drooled on my hand.
My daughter left and went to her room, because that is what I'd told her to do.
I wiped my mouth and pulled myself to a sitting position. I could hardly see or hear. My head felt swollen and heavy, my breathing forced.
I frantically began screaming, "Someone come here! Come help me!"
The daughter I'd just sent away returned.
My throat was swelling shut. "Help me . . ." My voice was down to a ragged whisper. "I can't--"
breathe. The word popped into my mind as I jolted awake. It had been so realistic.
So, I did get a very short nap. Awakened to noisy kids, but in less pain.
I wondered if I stopped breathing in my sleep, that my gasping for air woke me up. Or is it true that you don't ever die in your dreams?
Friday, October 23, 2009
So far this week...
Sunday, on top of my regular pain, I had a throbbing headache. Should've taken something before church, but didn't. Had to help in primary. Came home, took an Advil and laid down for awhile. Hit my breaking point. For the next couple of days I still had throbbing in the back of my head if I got up too fast. Luckily that's stopped. I guess this fits with my "At least..." list. At least my head doesn't throb like it's going to explode every day.
New med isn't working...maybe a little on the left side, which isn't as bad anyway. Ringing is in both ears now and louder in the right...harder to ignore.
I go back to the neurologist on the 30th. Not sure what he'll suggest. I think I'll take the stuff I printed out with me this time. Atypical Trigeminal Neuralgia just totally fits. Treatment options would be similar to what they've been trying, but there are other options--injections, surgery, etc. I'm seriously considering acupuncture, too. Just need to find someone qualified, being my face and all. :)
I'm not as bad today, but have had a low stress day so far and had a chance to lie down for a bit.
Kinda more just numb feeling right now (side of face), but that doesn't mean I won't be feeling awful by this evening. Hopefully not.
New med isn't working...maybe a little on the left side, which isn't as bad anyway. Ringing is in both ears now and louder in the right...harder to ignore.
I go back to the neurologist on the 30th. Not sure what he'll suggest. I think I'll take the stuff I printed out with me this time. Atypical Trigeminal Neuralgia just totally fits. Treatment options would be similar to what they've been trying, but there are other options--injections, surgery, etc. I'm seriously considering acupuncture, too. Just need to find someone qualified, being my face and all. :)
I'm not as bad today, but have had a low stress day so far and had a chance to lie down for a bit.
Kinda more just numb feeling right now (side of face), but that doesn't mean I won't be feeling awful by this evening. Hopefully not.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Getting there...maybe
Saw the neurologist today--well, the PA.-- He wouldn't come straight out and say, "Yeah, it probably is atypical bilateral trigeminal neuralgia," and keeps focusing on the Bells Palsy. He changed my prescript. and I go back in 3 weeks. He also said no more facial massages (could actually aggravate things)and TMJ treatment might be for nothing. I go to my reg. dr. on Fri. The neuralgia thing (atypical because the pain is constant, unrelenting, nagging, pressure) just fits so perfectly. Over a year of pain and I ran across this a few days ago and just started bawling. Even the 'misdiagnosing' part fits. The new prescrip. he gave me I actually already have except in 50 mg rather then 10. So, since I'm dying today, I popped a 50 and the feverish feeling is gone...can't quite tell if the pain is lessening. Off to scouts all doped up. :)
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Going to push the doctors for answers
I am SOOOOOO tired of feeling like crap. And scared to death that, when looking up my symptoms, 'multiple sclerosis' keeps popping up. I think I might have found what one of my problems is, and it came with this quote: Neuralgia usually goes undiagnosed or misdiagnosed for extended periods, leading to a great deal of pain and frustration on the part of the patient. This disease has earned the nickname "the suicide disease," due to the unfortunate and drastic steps some have taken when they have been unable to find relief.
I am not suicidal, not even depressed (well, not beyond a reasonable degree). But cannot stand this pain!! It's been over a year now.
Also, my hip bursitis, has worsened and is now most likely Trochanteric bursitis-pain from my hip down my outer thigh almost to my knee.
TMJ guy is having me go to an oral surgeon to check on pulling upper wisdom teeth, but insurance won't cover it, plus now I am questioning the trigeminal neuralgia possibility. Gonna call the neurologist tomorrow and make an appt. with my reg. dr. Trying to get adrenals checked too. Wish me luck for some long overdue answers.
I am not suicidal, not even depressed (well, not beyond a reasonable degree). But cannot stand this pain!! It's been over a year now.
Also, my hip bursitis, has worsened and is now most likely Trochanteric bursitis-pain from my hip down my outer thigh almost to my knee.
TMJ guy is having me go to an oral surgeon to check on pulling upper wisdom teeth, but insurance won't cover it, plus now I am questioning the trigeminal neuralgia possibility. Gonna call the neurologist tomorrow and make an appt. with my reg. dr. Trying to get adrenals checked too. Wish me luck for some long overdue answers.
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