Another year ending

And hopefully a better one about to start. Fingers crossed that hubbys big sale will close soon...we need the commission big time.
My two babysitting jobs are dropping down to one and I'm praying that I don't have to get a second, evening job. I can't take the added stress right now, but the bills need to be paid.
I'm past due for a haircut and dye, dr. appt. and eye exam. Just things that I don't do cuz money is needed elsewhere.
We had a nice Christmas. The kids were happy. I thought I was going to be happy...as I was gathering presents to wrap a couple of days ago, I found an iPad that hubby had hidden...surely a present for me...right? Well, it was supposed to be, but then he decided it could come in handy with his photography...his expensive hobby...so, he decided to keep it. So...what did I get? A giftcard for Walmart that will probably end up being used to buy groceries...yippee...
Hubby wants to buy me an iPad (oh, by the way, his was a prize he won from work) but I refuse to let him charge it. Maybe the economy will turn around and his work will start awarding giftcards again and he can save up and get me one...or get himself more photography equipment...grrr...
Health issues aren't improving, which also adds to my stress and is physically and emotionally taxing. I've given up on the dr.'s figuring anything out, so haven't shelled out money for a visit. But, my ears and one eye are getting worse...eventually I will have them checked. Hopefully nothing too serious. Just worries me cuz the eye thing was one of the MS indicators, but I'm not going to worry about that or anything else unless something more major happens. Hopefully it is just more miscellaneous, unrelated crap of my body falling apart. My New Years resolution is to start and KEEP a regular exercise routine. I doubt it will help most of my physical problems, but I need to get in better shape.
My van is still holding in there...gotta fight with it some, but repairs aren't in the budget.
Haven't been sleeping well at all lately, even with Ambien or a double dose of OTC sleep aid med. I get so tired during the day, but refuse to nap in hopes of sleeping better the next night. No such luck. Hoping exercise will help with that.
Finished cleaning and organizing Ethan's room today. Just the way to spend Christmas, right?
I'm ready to put away the decorations and just go on with life. It's been a loooong month.

Couple of crazy days

Yesterday I had the 2 and 4 yr olds that I babysit dropped off. I watched them until 10:30 when I had to go to the other babysitting job, and Ashlei took over with the 2 at home. Had a pretty easy day with the 2 yr old and baby. Even got them to take a 2 1/2 hr nap at the same time. Got to read a bit more of Mr. Monster ("For my sixteenth birthday I got a dead body to play with."-great line to start a chapter. :) ) But, after naptime the 2 yr old got to coughing so hard he threw up. Luckily I got him off the carpet first and only got a bit on my shoe and a bunch on the wood floor. It's nice that my kids are old enough to wipe their own noses and puke in the toilet. I've wiped alot of little kid noses lately.
When I finished there, I went back home and took over with the 2 kids there. Destini had chocolate pudding after school and gave some to the 2 yr old...so her face and shirt were covered with dry chocolate. Nice. Sigh...
Today I watch the 2 at my place and then the other 2 for an hour this afternoon while my kids stay with the ones at home. Then we have Activity Day, Parent Teacher Conf., Pack Meeting, YW, and my critique group (the pages where the secret is revealed...finally!)
Tomorrow should be nice and relaxing. No extra kids. Can't wait!

Life...

I'm doing daycare for 2 families now. Should rarely be at the same time though.
I'm 2 times away from finishing my novel at my Friday critique group. Have a feeling they aren't going to like my non-happily-ever-after ending. Oh well.
Need to decide what to make (and when) for the ward dessert auction on Saturday. Probably fudge. Maybe divinity, if I get ambituous. Maybe both if life calms down a bit.
Hoping my van lasts awhile longer. Transmission is going out, and it's worse in the cold...Utah in November...doubt it'll make it through the end of the year. Gonna be interesting getting by on just hubby's car.

Bullies

We haven't had any extreme issues as the kids have grown up, but my 10 yr old is having some problems, continued from last year. The bully is from a bad background. Her dad has done jail time (maybe prison, too). This girl brags that her parents do drugs.
Yesterday my 14 & 10 yr olds wanted to go play at the school with friends. The bully was there with a friend. I'm sure the 14 yr olds tried to put them in their place, so they brought in two 8th graders of their own. The bullies taunted, swore, etc. and my girls and their friends finally left, with the exception of my 5th graders best friend. She ended up with a black eye and busted toe.
These are 10 yr old girls! Where will they be 5-10 years from now? A) Behind bars B) On welfare, pregnant with their 3rd kid C) Jr. High drop outs or D) All of the above
Most parents would flip if they knew their kid was behaving like this (smoking at age 10), but I have a feeling their parents are proud. Some people shouldn't be parents.

Heckuva few days and nowhere near over

I'm going to blab and rant here cuz since, like, 2 people read my blog it doesn't really matter what I say.
I'm going to start with last Thursday. As I was taking kids to school, the road was blocked off with multiple emergency vehicles and many police cars. We had to go around the back way. As I came home, I saw a girl I knew and asked her what had happened. She informed me that Madison Mecum had been hit by a car. She said that they had gotten her breathing and talking when they put her in the ambulance, so that seemed like a good sign.
Then I got ready to go to the temple. I picked up my mom and grandma and we all went. I put Madison's name on the prayer roll and she was in my thoughts the whole time. After, we visited at my grandmas until it was time for me to pick kids up from school. On the drive home, we passed Mecum's. There was a large group of people, including R.S. presidency and Bishopric members. My heart dropped. I hadn't taken my cell phone with me. When I got home I had messages from both daughters telling me that Madison had passed away. I bawled. Not sweet, innocent little Madi. When I learned of the circumstances of the driver, I bawled more. One poor decision will have forever affected many lives.
As I drove with Destini that day, it was raining. She said, "I think whenever someone dies, it rains...like tears."
We've had many teaching opportunities from this. It's stark reality to these kids that they are not invinsible and future's are unpredictable. We should treat people as if they might be gone tomorrow. It also got me thinking about if it had been one of my kids. They are so quiet and prefer to hang out at home. The outpouring for them would have been nothing compared to this sweet, happy, outgoing girl. And then I began thinking, even for myself, who would speak at our funeral and what would they say? We are not well known by many. We are the only active members in our cul-de-sac and feel kinda like outcasts. Just stuck alone here.
I try to push my girls to participate and do stuff. Some are better than others.
I'm going to share a few wonderful traits of each of them.
Ashlei: She is caring and a wonderful example to us all. Her spirituality amazes me. She is a talented writer and artist, even though she is reluctant to share her work. She is the first to jump in and help me when I need it. Get her out of her shell and you will fall in love with her sweet personality. I know she has a wonderful future ahead of her.
Brittany: She is a good friend. She is quiet, but not always. She is my only kid who has given a talk in Sacrament Meeting. She has had 2 solo's in past choir concerts. She loves to tease her little brother. Loves music, hates reading. Is eager to turn 16--not to drive, just to date.
Caitlin: Loves to be goofy. Likes going to the mall with friends. Has (and has always had) a stubborn streak. She is my little miracle child. A surprise baby, conceived just 3 months after Brittany was born. We nearly lost her when she was young, more than once. One time with a near-death accident and once when whe wandered off at Disneyland. She was found and returned to us by a group of nuns. She is obsessed with Korean bands and tv shows (could be worse, I guess) and loves being on the computer.
Destini: My sweet little girl who can throw huge tantrums. She tries so hard to be one of the big kids and is growing up quickly. She loves to take interest in whatever her big sisters are doing. She is smart, especially in spelling (takes after me) :) and reading (with a little push to get going on it each day). She loves to ask questions and share her knowledge. She also enjoys drawing.
Ethan: The one who keeps me on my toes. He comes up with all kinds of ideas of crazy things to do...and does them. Unless it's something scary. He is not a daredevil. When he has interest in something, that is where 100% of his focus is. He hates doing homework, but is a smart kid and catches on quickly. He loves video games, Super Mario and Star Wars.

Saturday morning I had a dream. I was standing in the hallway at church and Madi and her mom where down a bit, with their backs to me. I thought, it didn't happen. She's here. She's okay. I tried to get to them, but too many people were walking between us. When it cleared, Madi was gone. I heard a voice say, "Come unto Me." I woke up, with tears in my eyes. Not only is Madi in the arms of her father, but also The Lord. Are we living in a way that we won't feel ashamed of ourselves when we enter His presence? Something to think about.

Sunday was Fast and Testimony meeting. A rough day for our ward, as we mourned for Madison's family. They announced that we would be having a yard sale fundraiser on Sat. for them. Later that evening, I got a phone call asking if we could have it in our cul-de-sac and could I be in charge. Major stress for me. Busy week ahead. I paid a visit to all of our neighbors, none of which we know well...just wave in passing for the most part. They were all fine with giving up our street for a day. (Under the circumstances, how could they not be?)

Tuesday was Madison's funeral. I know this will have a huge impact especially on the youth. The talks were amazing. It was standing room only. I just hope that the comraderie and love these kids feel will continue.

Earlier this week I finally allowed myself a break-down. For nearly 2 1/2 years now I've lived in daily pain. I fake normalcy well. When asked, "How are you?" I lie and give the, "I'm fine, how are you?" type answer. It's pointless to tell the truth. "I feel like my head is going to explode. How are you?" There's nothing anyone can do, so why discuss it? Meds don't seem to help and I have new symtoms now, too. But, we can't even afford a dr. co-pay, let alone more tests just to be told the same things and probably up the count of spots on my brain. I'm hoping the dr.'s guess that it could be early MS is wrong.

And now I have to go pick up a sick kid, so my blabbering will come to an end.

All It Takes...

...is one stupid decision to affect many, many lives. We are mourning over a sweet girl who didn't deserve to be plucked from this life. It's stark reality for my daughters--life can be short. Things can change in an instant. As I drove with Destini yesterday, raindrops falling, she said, "I think it rains anytime someone dies...like tears." Abundant tears have been, and will be, shed because of how sweet and wonderful this girl was and how she should still be with us.
Don't let time slip by leaving things unsaid or undone, because you never know when a loved one will be gone. Say "I love you", "I'm sorry", "I forgive you" or whatever it is you need to say before it's too late. As much as we want to feel like we are in control of our destiny, we most definitely are not. We don't know what the future holds.

A nice reprieve

After having a worse than usual, pain-filled, frustrating week I finally had a good day today. Better than I've had in a long time. I'm debating if I should go back to the dr. or not. Can't afford more tests, meds don't seem to help, but some symptoms are getting worse. Some days I just wish my head would explode and be done with it all. I'm pretty sure I have more nodules on my thyroid too...can feel them, which seems weird, but it's worse than last time. Stupid auto-immune, body attacking my thyroid disease--on top of everything else.
But, I was feeling pretty emotionally drained, along with physically, so I'm glad today was better. Hopefully it will continue.

Hard for teens to really get it

Friends come and go...but families are forever.
Glad that they can see when a friend does wrong they don't need to stick up for them. Glad that a certain daughter refused to accept blame for a friends actions, even if it meant losing more than just that friend.
Hoping they will have good friends throughout their lives, but more importantly, that we stay close. That we help and care about each other.
I've seen too many families ripped apart for no good reason-usually denial or pride.
I hope I'm blessed to have my children love me and each other no matter what life throws at us.
Not just talking families here; can you imagine in the next life seeing someone you've wronged? Do you turn and walk away? I imagine myself weeping for their forgiveness.
Some things you can't change, but if you could...and chose not to...
Gives me something to ponder.

Life...

Certain people have made me proud lately-made awesome decisions under certain circumstances. But then I wonder why others just sit back and feel it's no big deal. Especially when it probably could be considered illegal. Better to cut ties and move on.
And another who keeps going under hardships...doesn't let it affect them.
Others have made me ashamed. I understand, I really do, but deep down can they admit they're in the right? Find it interesting that people can point the finger and blame others over something they did.
Another who receives daily favors pushes for a bit more--is it still service if it's done with resent?
Then I consider good people who get kicked in the gut--sometimes multiple times, while others get a golden ticket.
I've been thinking alot lately about current and past situations. How peoples decisions have affected me or my family. How choices can change a persons life dramatically.
I've seen regret, denial, frustration, satisfaction, tears, anger, happiness, depression, remorse, acceptance, thankfulness, shame, immaturity and maturity. It's interesting how actions can snowball.
Denial of guilt does NOT make one innocent.
Remorse does NOT make a problem go away.
Acceptance isn't necessarily good. When people accept a wrong doing as no big deal they are falling for peer pressure or not brave enough to voice what they really think.
Sometimes I think back on bad things that have happened to me and then bad things I've done (which aren't that bad). It makes me wonder if people ever clue in that their actions affect lives. Ignoring it or laughing it off doesn't make it okay.
An "I'm sorry" goes a long way.
I'm sure my life and those of my loved ones will be filled with many more trials and successes. I just pray that the outcomes will be maturity, happiness, satisfaction, acceptance, thankfulness and becoming better, wiser, loving, more caring people.

Rant and Rave

Okay, I know I'm not perfect, but here's some stuff that people do that annoy me, make me enraged, etc.
1) Advantage takers. If I'm doing something nice for you, don't keep pushing for more and more. I'm going out of my way, don't push it.
2) Hypocrites. I don't want to hear someone whine about someone/something when they do something similar themselves.
3) Excuse makers. Whether it's because they're doing something they shouldn't or not doing something they should.
4) Liars. Especially to hide something they've done wrong--just don't do it in the first place.
5) Ball droppers. If something is expected of you--DO IT!!!
6) Relationship destroyers. Whether it's friends or family. Don't ruin it over something stupid; pride, shame...
7) Poor prioritizers. Take care of the important stuff first, then work with what's left. Rather than doing/paying for the fun stuff and then not having time/money for what should have been taken care of first.
8) Abusers. Whether it is physical, emotional, monetary, trust... Don't hurt the ones you love...or more importantly, the ones who love you.

I've heard a lot of crap from a lot of people and sometimes I just think "how can someone do that and not feel bad about it?"
I've provided (am providing) service...and being pushed to give more than was agreed on.
We struggle to pay our bills...don't go out to eat, to movies, etc....while others live off of welfare and work the system or ignore their responsibilities. I understand not wanting to work...but you should do what you've got to do. I've worked way more than I haven't the past 20+ years, even when it stressed me out a ton, took me away from my kids or I was dealing (am dealing) with health issues.

Sometimes I wonder if people have any integrity or desire to be dependent only on themselves.
So, if you want to whine, take advantage, lie, not uphold your responsibilities, etc. please don't do it around me.

Such is life

We had a fun ward Bbq last night. As we neared home, we needed to stop for gas. Getting ready to turn, I saw something in the road. Me:"Don't hit that!" Hubby: Never listens...thunk. We pull into the gas station. Me:"Check the tire." Hubby:"I'm sure it's fine." He gets out, looks at it and shakes his head. I go back to get whatever it was out of the road so nobody else would run over it. A window brush/ice scraper...with the scraper portion busted to pieces.
Then realized we didn't have the key to the gas. So, while hubby worked on the tire, I jogged home with B, D and E in the dark...(I am so out-of-shape, but it felt good, 'cept for my shins).
Halfway home I realized I could drive hubby's car back, not jog...duh!!!
I'm just grateful that we have a full-size spare. I'll just have an ugly tire for awhile.

Just use a little...

Ethan drew on his sisters wall. When it was pointed out to me he quickly said, "Don't worry, I will clean it," and went off for a washcloth. He soon found out that a wet cloth does not get ink off. "What am I supposed to use?" he asked. I told him, "Elbow grease...go ask Dad if he has some." He replied, "That's okay, I'm using mine," and began rubbing his elbow with the cloth. Funny thing...elbow grease doesn't get ink off either.

Priorities not straight

It amazes me that people who can't manage to pay their bills (and may not even have all of the bills most people do whether because they are on housing, get food stamps, etc.) always manage to get non-essentials like getting their hair done, going out to eat, to movies, cigarettes, alcohol, manicures, tanning...whatever. Pisses me off that we pay all of our bills and don't do/buy things we can't afford while others have no problem expecting to be bailed out because they are irrresponsible. Pisses me off more when they are bailed out by someone who can't afford it, and they don't seem to care. Hopefully I can one day bail out those who DESERVE it! Wish people could grow up and be responsible!!! Just because your debt is not in your name does not mean it isn't YOUR debt! Sometimes I just wanna smack a few people.

.....and life goes on.....

I've had a lot of "As soon as X is over, then life will get better" times lately. Only problem, is that 3 more X's then fall into play. Trying to push the "If only"s out of my head. Not worth dwelling on things you can't change or things from the past.
Tired of feeling like I'm at my breaking point, but I can't break because #1-too many people rely on me, #2-I'm not comfortable with screwing people over or ignoring my responsibilities and #3- Things could always be worse.
So...maybe when school is out then things will get better. Everything else is just a bunch of "if"s. I'd give anything for just one of those if's though.

How bizarre

I needed to go to Roberts today, so I pulled out the coupon calendar to get a coupon. When I went to pay, I grabbed the coupon out of my purse and it was a Nickelcade coupon. Dang! Did I tear out the wrong one? The one above or below the Roberts one? Luckily they automatically do a 40% off (not as good as my 50% off coupon, but better than nothing).
Later that evening, I was cleaning out my purse and, yep, you guessed it, the 50% off Roberts coupon was right where I put it and no Nickelcade coupon to be found.

Saving coins

Ethan was carrying around his jar of coins today. I asked if he was saving it to go to Lagoon this summer. "No. Disneyland...I mean Disneyworld." I asked him if he knew what we would have to do to get there. "No." "Go in an airplane." He thought for a second and then smiled and said, "Or we could go in a hot-air-balloon!"

Makes my heart sad

I got to work today and found out that my happy, friendly, easy-going, favorite supervisor's wife passed away. She had cancer. He was at the hospital signing papers to bring her home to die...she didn't make it that long. He was interrupted by a nurse telling him to hurry back to his wife, it wouldn't be long.
Sad for those kids to not only lose their mom, but to lose her on Easter and 2 days before the daughters birthday. (The uncle came in to get her a cake-I got to write on it).
Super tough week for them, I'm sure.
So, be glad you're alive. Give your kids a big hug. Be thankful for all you have.

Nowhere to turn?

Throughout my life I have never had one person that I totally confided in. I told some people some things, others different things. Some things I can't share with certain people for whatever reason. Sometimes I don't share with someone cuz I don't want to burden them, especially if they are dealing with their own issues. Or I don't share cuz I know they will tell others. Sometimes it might be dependant on how comfortable I am with them or how they fit into my life.
I know many people share pretty much everything with their mom, sister or best friend. I don't have one single person who I feel comfortable sharing everything with. I still share some stuff with a few people and other stuff with others. And some stuff I just bottle up inside.
I know it helps to verbalize and discuss things with someone who can truly sympathize. If I want to complain about my job, I need to complain to someone who has worked a similar job. As for money problems, complaining or verbalizing usually doesn't really help cuz it doesn't change anything. So, for that matter I've just been pretending everything's good.
For health problems, only a couple of people I know ( actually 3) have similar issues and can understand what I have been and am going through. Again I've began pretending that everything is fine. No more doctors. Only Rx I bother to refill is my thyroid med. Am weaning off Ambien. Sad that I've used up my massages with my TMJ therapy. Could really use a chiropractor, but not gonna happen anytime soon.
Kid issues, husband issues, family issues, church calling issues, money issues, health issues, job issues...just taking things day by day and trying not to stress. Haven't been whining or complaining to anyone. Maybe I need to. I think I'm in serious need of some away time--and not work, church or my writing groups. Just a fun night out here and there. A chance to step away from everything and laugh with a friend...umm...friends...where are you?

Seriously!?!

So...there I am...sitting on the couch doing another round of revisions. Ethan is playing with the bouncy ball he got from the dentist today. I hear him say, "Oops, I got it in there." Ignored him...no big deal, surely. A few minutes later, hubby comes upstairs...the kitchen floor is covered in water and suds. I hurried and turned the dishwasher off...great. "Umm...child who will remain nameless...what soap did you put in here?" "The normal one." "Are you sure?" "Yes." "You aren't in trouble, we just need to know if you used the wrong soap or if the dishwasher is broken." "I used that one."-she points to the right one. Great-dishes by hand for awhile.
So, I make the call to the rental company...then ask again, "Are you 100% sure you used the right one?" "Well...I might have used a little of the other one." Ahh...so the truth comes out AFTER I make the phone call. Have to call back and leave another message-umm, never mind. AAAUUURRRGGH!!!! What part of 'You aren't in trouble' do you NOT understand??? So, she got sent to bed at 7:30. I HATE lies!!! My fave scripture to use with my kids in questioning circumstances is "Woe be unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to hell." THRUST DOWN TO HELL!!!! Just tell the stinkin' truth already. :)

From the mouths of non-hushable kids

At work, a lady was there with 3 kids. The 5ish yr old girl and 7ish yr old boy kept asking me if I knew if and why their uncle got fired. Their mom tried desperately to hush them, but they were persistent.
I just hope that they know what 'being fired' means. I can just see them thinking he got burned in a fire. Like when I was little...the first time I heard the term 'grounded'...I thought they said their sister was drownded. They had a good laugh when I was totally shocked..."Is she dead?"

Trying to stay optimistic

I want to quit the bakery job SO BAD!!! I would love to work at a bookstore or the library. Well, the library had a 10 day span to apply for an opening. Fingers still crossed. I also heard back from a daycare job that I replied to a month or so ago, but haven't heard back since. Hopefully she's just a procrastinator.
I'm working on 2 new books, but will need to make it 3. The girls are pushing for the sequel for the one I already finished. Just figured I'd get to work on the other ones inside my head. Caitlin will have a lot of typing to do and I'll have alot of editing and revising. Need more hours in my days.

Once in a lifetime...try twice

So, back around 1991 I was at a new nanny job. Didn't want to be there, but my job was my home and I needed a home. Anyway, I was lying in bed, not asleep because I was aware of the noises in the next room. Then, my "spirit" started pulling away from my body. I freaked and it immediately snapped back.
My boyfriend at the time got all excited, telling me I should practice it and travel the world. Um, no thanks. Just gave me the creeps even thinking about it. Would my body appear dead? What if I couldn't "snap" back.
A couple of weeks ago I was lying on the couch, wishing I could take a nap, but knowing Ashlei would be walking through the door any minute and wake me up if I tried. Well, I was aware of the TV and my snuggly warm electric blanket, when, yep, separation began. Again I snapped right back. So, if anyone ever finds me "dead", don't bury me too quick. :)
Not planning on trying to do it, even if it sounds kinda cool (Might be the only way I'd ever see Hawaii or Europe). Just too "out there" for my liking.

New idea

I drove by this when taking my kids to school. Thought it was a fun idea.

Resolution

DE-STRESS!!!!!! That means stop worrying about things I have no control over. My problems are my problems, but I'm going to try not to worry over them. Things will improve in time, if things go as planned. Other peoples problems are their problems and I refuse to stress over them anymore. I quit the acupunture (too much money), holding off on the dr. and chiropractor (same reason). Going to try to eat better, exercise more and hopefully find another job so I can quit my stressful one. (If anyone knows anyone in need of child care, that's what I'm trying to do). Wish me luck. :)

Ethan's Happy New Year

According to Ethan, anyone who didn't count down the seconds to the New Year will be cursed. He was very adamant that our family participate...so, of course, the girls tried not to, nearly having him in tears. But, in the end, they all did. So bring on the happy!!!

On another topic, I've been thinking a lot lately about people wronging others and how some people have no remorse. I've tried to think of things I've done that hurt others...didn't come up with anything too major. Things done to me...way worse...any apologies? Not really. No way could I do to another what's been done to me over the years. How do people justify their actions?
Sometimes pretending nothing happened can be okay(although an "I'm sorry" would be better), but sometimes the wrong needs to be made right, or at least tried to be as much as possible. Laughing things off or making excuses doesn't fix the problem. Emotional scars can be harder to heal than physical ones sometimes.
Coulda shoulda woulda...hindsight...can't change the past, so make the future better. Happy New Year to everyone...hope it's a good one.