Heckuva few days and nowhere near over

I'm going to blab and rant here cuz since, like, 2 people read my blog it doesn't really matter what I say.
I'm going to start with last Thursday. As I was taking kids to school, the road was blocked off with multiple emergency vehicles and many police cars. We had to go around the back way. As I came home, I saw a girl I knew and asked her what had happened. She informed me that Madison Mecum had been hit by a car. She said that they had gotten her breathing and talking when they put her in the ambulance, so that seemed like a good sign.
Then I got ready to go to the temple. I picked up my mom and grandma and we all went. I put Madison's name on the prayer roll and she was in my thoughts the whole time. After, we visited at my grandmas until it was time for me to pick kids up from school. On the drive home, we passed Mecum's. There was a large group of people, including R.S. presidency and Bishopric members. My heart dropped. I hadn't taken my cell phone with me. When I got home I had messages from both daughters telling me that Madison had passed away. I bawled. Not sweet, innocent little Madi. When I learned of the circumstances of the driver, I bawled more. One poor decision will have forever affected many lives.
As I drove with Destini that day, it was raining. She said, "I think whenever someone dies, it rains...like tears."
We've had many teaching opportunities from this. It's stark reality to these kids that they are not invinsible and future's are unpredictable. We should treat people as if they might be gone tomorrow. It also got me thinking about if it had been one of my kids. They are so quiet and prefer to hang out at home. The outpouring for them would have been nothing compared to this sweet, happy, outgoing girl. And then I began thinking, even for myself, who would speak at our funeral and what would they say? We are not well known by many. We are the only active members in our cul-de-sac and feel kinda like outcasts. Just stuck alone here.
I try to push my girls to participate and do stuff. Some are better than others.
I'm going to share a few wonderful traits of each of them.
Ashlei: She is caring and a wonderful example to us all. Her spirituality amazes me. She is a talented writer and artist, even though she is reluctant to share her work. She is the first to jump in and help me when I need it. Get her out of her shell and you will fall in love with her sweet personality. I know she has a wonderful future ahead of her.
Brittany: She is a good friend. She is quiet, but not always. She is my only kid who has given a talk in Sacrament Meeting. She has had 2 solo's in past choir concerts. She loves to tease her little brother. Loves music, hates reading. Is eager to turn 16--not to drive, just to date.
Caitlin: Loves to be goofy. Likes going to the mall with friends. Has (and has always had) a stubborn streak. She is my little miracle child. A surprise baby, conceived just 3 months after Brittany was born. We nearly lost her when she was young, more than once. One time with a near-death accident and once when whe wandered off at Disneyland. She was found and returned to us by a group of nuns. She is obsessed with Korean bands and tv shows (could be worse, I guess) and loves being on the computer.
Destini: My sweet little girl who can throw huge tantrums. She tries so hard to be one of the big kids and is growing up quickly. She loves to take interest in whatever her big sisters are doing. She is smart, especially in spelling (takes after me) :) and reading (with a little push to get going on it each day). She loves to ask questions and share her knowledge. She also enjoys drawing.
Ethan: The one who keeps me on my toes. He comes up with all kinds of ideas of crazy things to do...and does them. Unless it's something scary. He is not a daredevil. When he has interest in something, that is where 100% of his focus is. He hates doing homework, but is a smart kid and catches on quickly. He loves video games, Super Mario and Star Wars.

Saturday morning I had a dream. I was standing in the hallway at church and Madi and her mom where down a bit, with their backs to me. I thought, it didn't happen. She's here. She's okay. I tried to get to them, but too many people were walking between us. When it cleared, Madi was gone. I heard a voice say, "Come unto Me." I woke up, with tears in my eyes. Not only is Madi in the arms of her father, but also The Lord. Are we living in a way that we won't feel ashamed of ourselves when we enter His presence? Something to think about.

Sunday was Fast and Testimony meeting. A rough day for our ward, as we mourned for Madison's family. They announced that we would be having a yard sale fundraiser on Sat. for them. Later that evening, I got a phone call asking if we could have it in our cul-de-sac and could I be in charge. Major stress for me. Busy week ahead. I paid a visit to all of our neighbors, none of which we know well...just wave in passing for the most part. They were all fine with giving up our street for a day. (Under the circumstances, how could they not be?)

Tuesday was Madison's funeral. I know this will have a huge impact especially on the youth. The talks were amazing. It was standing room only. I just hope that the comraderie and love these kids feel will continue.

Earlier this week I finally allowed myself a break-down. For nearly 2 1/2 years now I've lived in daily pain. I fake normalcy well. When asked, "How are you?" I lie and give the, "I'm fine, how are you?" type answer. It's pointless to tell the truth. "I feel like my head is going to explode. How are you?" There's nothing anyone can do, so why discuss it? Meds don't seem to help and I have new symtoms now, too. But, we can't even afford a dr. co-pay, let alone more tests just to be told the same things and probably up the count of spots on my brain. I'm hoping the dr.'s guess that it could be early MS is wrong.

And now I have to go pick up a sick kid, so my blabbering will come to an end.