Hindsight

As teenagers we think we know it all, a decade later we realize we were nowhere close. We grow, we mature, we know so much, but another decade goes by and we realize that we didn't know anywhere near what we thought we did.
I have dealt with alot in my lifetime thus far. Growing up suffering from selective mutism (glad it now has a name) was extremely difficult. And then, straight out of High School, I took a nanny job in Boston for a family with 6 kids. Not too bad, right? I'm used to big families. Well, they were also Orthodox Jews. That experience was difficult, but one I am glad I went through. As are many of my other experiences. I learned, I matured, I gained self-confidence. If I hadn't put myself out there I would have gone through life not having these experiences to help mold me and teach me wisdom. From dating, to in-laws who treated me horribly, to financial problems, child-rearing, working a job that I hated and working harder than anyone else. And missing my kids in the meantime. Being kicked out...twice...felt horrible, but forced us to be on our own...the only way I ever want to be. The first time was easier to accept, but harder to go through. It meant moving to Utah while hubby stayed working in California until something better came along. And it did. We moved back, loved it, but it only lasted a year. Back to Utah with the help of my wonderful, unselfish mom. The plan was to get into our own home soon, but then John got laid off...3 times. This is where I started working. Things were looking up, until we got kicked out because another family member was going to "rescue" mom financially...something we could have done ourselves. But, we gave in...loving being in our own place now. I just wish the other party had held up their end of the bargain. I wish my mom could just say no...even for little things. She's worked her butt off to raise us and gets little thanks for it. She will never see the thousands of dollars my brothers have conned her out of. I wonder if they feel any guilt at all. Just say 'no'! We're all adults, time to be mature and responsible. Think of others. Uphold agreements. Don't take advantage of those to weak to stick up for themselves.
I wish I could share my maturity and wisdom with not only people younger than me, but some who are older, too. I'd love to change things about a few people, but that won't happen. I can only pray that they will step up and fulfill their promised arrangements. We could buy my moms house, but, luckily for the current renters,we aren't interested. Only problem is that they don't seem to be either.
I pray that those who need guidance, wisdom and maturity will recognize that and try to improve their lives and the lives of those around them.
I lived through alot of crap in my life, from my suicidal teens, to my dating experiences, nanny jobs, low self-esteem,etc. And then marriage, brothers-in-law who were horrible to me, having 3 kids in under 3 years. To have almost lost a child...twice. Meeting people, teaching primary, being a visiting teacher, etc. all helped me to grow.
Things I do now--start conversations, lead actual conversations, not just needing to be asked something I could nod or shake my head to. I still don't like speaking in front of groups, but can read a scripture or quote when called upon. And then there's my critique groups...no way would I have done that 20 years ago, or even 10. It was scary at first, but now I love it and get to share advice and gain advice. Iwish we met more often and could get through my book faster.
Even now, I've grown so much, but where will I be in another 10 or 20 years? Trials will be there, for sure. I need to advance with a plan in mind. I want to get through these trials as best I can. Unfortunately, some trials involve more than just me. Others need to step up, take responsibility and change. As for me, I'm ready for some changes. I'm struggling with forgiveness because of how a situation was handled, and am further infuriated at how it was NOT handled as promised. I wish I could share some of my experiences with others who need that kind of growth themselves. But, trying to share wisdom with someone who "knows it all" helps no one. They have to live through trials and experiences to gain that growth and wisdom themselves.